The second worst date I’ve ever had

I had arranged to spend my last night in NYC on a date. I knew this was risky, but it was the only night this guy was available. I went to the Fat Black Pussy Cat and chatted to the locals while I waited. They quizzed me on what I knew about my date, and I concluded I didn’t actually know that much about him. He arrived, and we watched the 8pm show. It was so funny I was crying for most of it. My date was laughing at all the right parts, and I updated my mood tracker to a 5 star mood. I had heard that if you take a date to something enjoyable, they will associate that feeling with you, and become more fond of you, even if you weren’t the one who made it enjoyable. I started wondering how many people a good comedian gets laid each year.

After the show, we went upstairs and started chatting. Something felt off, I don’t know if it was the anticipation of meeting him, or the contrast between the fun character of the locals and his stern demeanor. I felt the conversation lull.

“So I was chatting to my friend at the bar before you arrived, he made me realised I don’t actually know much about you. Were you born in San Diego?”

The guy at the bar asked you that?

“Yeah, we made friends at the start of my trip,  I was chatting to him before you arrived.”

Oh, he was hitting on you.

He said this in a cocky all-knowing voice. He didn’t address my question.

“No, he’s just nice. He has a daughter my age, it’s her birthday tonight”

Trust me, he was hitting on you. So many girls think guys are just trying to be their friends. They’re so naive. All guys will be like ohh you’re my daughters age I’m not into you, but trust me, the only thing on his mind is sex.

My eyes twitched, but I resisted rolling them. By this point I had already decided that I was leaving this date within the half-hour. But first, a few questions.

“So all of my guy friends?”

Trust me, they’re only your friends so there’s a chance of having sex with you. Don’t get me wrong, I have loads of smokin’ hot girl friends, and I’m happy just being their friend, but at first I wanted to have sex with him. That’s why I got to know them, and now that I don’t find them attractive I can be their friend. That’s me being honest, you’re not gonna get that from many guys.

Did you know that you can get a cluster headache from trying not to roll your eyes?

“Well, that’s awfully depressing”

Why? You should be flattered. It’s not a bad thing that your relationships with guys started out because your friends wanted to have sex with you. It means you’re hot.

I’ve gone blind. Someone send help. My eyes have rolled so far into the back of my head I fear I will never see again. I’ve been told that mansplaining doesn’t exist; that it’s just a condescending explanation that feminazis attribute to the person being male. Please.

I used my muscle memory to find my beer and fumble for my phone.

“I’m on a really shit date. Help” – I sent this to about 6 people, half of which weren’t even in the country.

Matthew came through. He called, I answered. I looked concerned. I hung up.

“I’m sorry, I have to go, my cousin needs me. Is that okay?”

Well, not really, but I’m not going to argue.

I know, I should’ve just said “I’m not enjoying this” and left. I considered it. But I also considered how long it takes me to get over the emotional strain of letting someone down. A couple hours, usually. I didn’t have a couple hours to spare.

Luckily, even though I have only been in NYC for a week, there is always someone somewhere doing something fun. I met up with some friends at a live music venue and drank away that horrible experience.

Not even Stewart Lee could’ve got that prick laid.

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